Razors, Pills and Other Methods of Suicide
by Quicksilver
Summary: A stinger aimed at those who kill Ukyou.... and kill her... and kill her....


Razors, Pills, and Other Methods of Suicide Quicksilver's Quill Offers:   
Razors, Pills and Other Methods of Suicide   
mbsilvana@yahoo.com   
standard disclaimers   
NOTE: A kind of spoof 

So you're a fanfic fan. My name is Kuonji Ukyou. I'm sure, by now, you know me, so I'll spare you the introduction speech. Leaving so soon? Do me a favor, then. If you catch Ranchan, tell him I'm looking for him.   
You're snickering. Why?   
I'm WHAT?! I don't think so. Get back here, and SIT DOWN! Now, let me know where you ever got that idea? Honestly, like I would WANT to marry him. I mean, he's... he's... my best friend. Why can't anyone believe a guy and girl can be just friends? Everyone's determined that they're sleeping together or something equally disgusting. The very idea gives me shudders- it'd be like sleeping with my own brother!   
You actually believe that stuff you read? Please excuse me- I'm laughing so hard that I need a glass of water.   
Ok, I'm back. You, honey, need some clarification. And maybe a few good whacks upside the head- since you're not a martial artist, I guess I'll just have to make do with one of my smaller spatulas. SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN! That was a joke- don't you have any sense of humor? You go ahead and ask questions, and I'll do my best to answer them- just remember, my opinion isn't entirely unbiased.   
Ranma? My former fiancee- our parents betrothed us when we were about six. Then Genma (stupid man that he was) ditches me and takes off with my dowry! Can you imagine?! Well, Ranma himself is a lot more honorable then his father- wonder where he got it from. His mother is an odd unit, if you get my drift. Ranma himself is chavaunistic and prideful, but underneath, he's got a heart of gold. Just doesn't show it very often.   
His curse? Well, that's real. For a while I thought he was just a cross dresser, but that wasn't true. Needless to say, that was the last straw for me. I am a hundred-percent woman, and there is NO WAY I'm going to be engaged to a guy who has a figure better then mine, even if it's only for half the time. Besides, about that time I met Konatsu.   
Konatsu? Stop shuddering. You're not one of my fan-boys, are you? Thanks to this whole fanfic community, I've got a reputation of being a psycho, suicidal, a martyr or a saint. Sorry, honey, but I'm not any of those. And 'Natsu-chan is as very nice person- I think we might get married, someday. I have nothing against cross-dressing- remember, I do it myself from time to time.   
This suicide thing, though, simply has to stop! First thiung, I don't own a gun. Why would I need one? I am a master of the Kounji School of Okonomiyaki Martial Arts. Seems that small fact doesn't come up very often- remember, when I met Genma, I managed to trounce him. I am quite capable of taking care of myself. You're making me wander off subject, jackass! My point was that since I don't own a gun, those cute scenes of me and a bullet through the brain just aren't there!   
Let's see. Razors? Pills? Please! Like I'd be that stupid! If I WAS going to kill myself, it would be in a quick way- maybe I'd challenge a certain Amazon to a battle. Even if I won, I'd end up getting the kiss of death. It'd be an honorable way to die- and since I'm a martial artist, honor's important. Or do I need remind you about that damned cart? But I wouldn't want to give that hussy the satisfaction of killing me.   
Ok, I've eliminated the more common methods of ditching Ukyou. And no, I'm not going to dive in front of a car or train anytime soon.   
I just wonder why everyone seems to want me dead. I'm a lot cuter then any of the other fiancees (not that I consider myself one anymore) and a lot nicer, too. Nice as I am, though, I am getting EXTREMELY TIRED of being knocked off. I swear, the next fanfic writer who tries to kill me is gonna get killed himself.   
Wait a sec. Why are you glancing at the door? What's that paper you have behind your back? Hmm... interesting read. One thing I want to know- do you perfer red roses or black ones for your casket? I have a few aquantainces who'll give me a good deal. Sorry, sugar- you've just written yourself into a corner... 

THE END   



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